#82 长痛不如短痛

Today was the first time I had the urge to read the Bible, to pray in a very very very long time.

The Easter holidays are coming up & I didn’t plan anything because I was waiting for a particular invitation. So whoever knows what happened just know it by yourself. Wanted to go Munich, but there’s no point because all the shops will be closed too. Was invited to go Hamburg but the invitation was taken back last minute. So all in all, I had no plans. Should have decided to go to Amsterdam w Gülen, ugh. & I actually didn’t really care that I had no plans, because 외톨이야. But this afternoon, it just suddenly struck me about how alone I am. (I really miss my clique, I really really really do ):)

Then, last night there was a party to “celebrate” the start of the sem, so many shitty things happened last night. I was so so so worried about V especially. I was so worried I only slept for 2 hours last night. Then I started to get pissed because he didn’t reply anything of mine to let me know he was fine.

Then, my internet failed. So i thought i should study abit. I started to do some German work but i was just basically frustrated with everything. Especially because I wanted to let out my frustrations from last night to someone & then my internet failed. ugh. There is no Topshop/Forever21 in Germany at all, completely sucks. I’m all alone in this place all by myself. I miss everybody at home. I miss V, I hate myself for missing V. I miss Mindy, I miss Samsam, I miss Nessie, I miss Sherri, I miss Zhen, I miss Jerd, I miss Kenrick, I miss Kennard, I miss Mommy, I miss my pop even, I miss Charmaine, I miss my smelly fluffy dog. & the fact is, being a loner & being alone are two completely different things, two completely different feelings. & listening to kpop didn’t make me feel one bit better so it was really horrible.

& the urge to pray suddenly just struck me. the urge to read the Bible stuck me equally hard. & i do not know the Bible very well & all I remember is Philippians 4:6, my favourite verse. & I just realised that perhaps God wanted me to let go everything to Him. & He cannot take the pain away, the frustrations, the worries, the anger, everything, He couldn’t take them away if I didn’t ask Him to, if i didn’t seek help from Him. & this feeling of peace & serenity and how my heart & my mind is guarded in Christ Jesus is so much better than the feeling of being drunk with numbness. Not sad, but not happy either. I do not have my faith completely renewed, but this is a reminder for me to continue to seek the truth.

But the truth is, I’m really scared to expect perfection from June. Because expectations kill & I’ve died enough inside. So I’m expecting the worst & not even hoping for the best because hope fricking comes with despair.

& lastly, everyday I shock (shock), everynight I shock (shock), I’m sorry 제발 내게 다시 돌아와 줄래. this line has been stuck in my head longer than Jägermeister, Down and Club can’t handle me.

#53 think green

my upcoming haircut. think long in front short at the back. & especially think green, green highlights. really eggcited & yet sad at the same time, cos my hair’s about 20+ inches now ):

but anwzxs, today was a really happy day for meeee ! (: & of cos the only few things that could make me happy are frick high results, presentssss & friends. (: & today it’s friends ! :D my day started off reaaaally good i must say. i woke up on time & everyth, had a seat on the bus & wasn’t late (even though i missed the first bus). plus i did my tutorials (although like half wrong, but stiiilll !)

but the best part of the morning is seeing ben after 10,000 days prolly. (: pooo, i miss chatting w B on msn talking nonsense & laughing with him. really sad that our timetable’s not really matching, thus no lunch tgt ! He’s prolly one of the guys that can cheer me up just by appearing in front of me ! :D & when he appeared AGAIN during Crusade’s Vday Event, it’s like (: (: although that poor thing got gastric, but still :D :D i guess seeing B could prolly make my week luhh ! (: heh heh !

& yet on top of that, justin still managed to make my day (: i made an angel, or rather a figurine of (i hope) me for him ! :D with bangs & short hair & green clothing, hahas ! although he said white was his fav col. i did enjoy our little get-to-know you during the break, although we prolly distracted each other when we’re supposed to starrrdy. but when he came back for the Vday Event w a really sad face, i decided to make for him that figurine to cheer him up. hope it did ! (: but he’s really sweet for writing me a thank you note & once again, i found a guy whose handwriting’s neater than mine -___- heh heh.

& the vday event ! (: yay ! had fun playing & then making the figurine. although i scratched SiMing’s hand (quite badly i might add) during jungle speed (although i have no idea how since my nails are square w NO sharp edges, but ooops !) mad guilty & immediately let go after someone has touched the totem.

& although my slipper broke today ): mad sadness cos it’s my gold havainas ! but vic managed to salvage it a lil bit for me to reach home safely (: i’m thankful that vic was w me ! cos normally i go home alone ! :D :D

quite excited for my first guitar lesson tmr ! :D heh heh, learning how to play the guitar for LM, where i refused to lead/co-lead (aka sing). must come & sahpport me !

alright, time to head to bed while all these happy thoughts are still in my head ! :D but anw, i feel today’s a day for me to give thanks to God. Give thanks because He’s given Jesus Christ, His Son. & the weak say i am strong, the poor say i am rich. (: my pay came just in time for me to pay for ALL the food today, from drinks to snacks to DINNER. (:

x

#49 & til i see You face to face

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
& til i see You face to face
& grace amazing takes me home
i’ll trust in You.

i’m always amazed about comparisons between myself as one person & the whole universe. the universe is a wondrous wow place (yes i took udsing the universe last sem, hahas !) & me, i’m not wondrous or wow, but the same God takes an equal amount of care for both of us. (:

so my first week has been hellish. ): i was only technically on time for school ONCE in the five days. (sucks thanks). i cabbed to school twice -_____-, it’ll be my fav mode of transport til my work officially ends. D: taking six mods this sem cos my timetable is able to fit six mods in (esp animal behavior !). people keep asking me why i’m taking six mods, i also don’t know lehh, my reason is cos i’m able to fit them all in, hahas. nooo, i’m not in a rush to graduate since i don’t know what i’m gna do after i graduate. D: i’m taking 3 level3 math mods, & i’m scared for all of them, so i prolly shouldn’t do 6 mods right ? plus all the 21st bdays coming up D: hellish i swear. but this jst means more discipline. if kevin can do it last sem (6 core, tyvm) i surely can do it this sem. (hahas, he’s the only one i know who did 6 core, but i’m sure there are plenty more !).

but highlight of the week are : e-comm PR dinner, DG lunch where i was one hour late -___-, macs w en, HTHT w terence, sitting beside a friendly person for the one mod where i’m taking it alone & there’s group work -___-, of cos catching up w K & P during math lects (although only taking one same math mod as them ):), JJ & co during 3252 (otherwise i’m forced to sit alone, yes i don’t make friends). although HTHT w T really made me think about -’s plight & how superficial all my conv w – has been.

& the most downside : my lack of sleep, KKK in canada, N in stats ): ): ): awesumzzz, no eyecandy = no motivation to go for lects.

but today was fun (: had capts’ ball w 1723 :D super long since i played plus my fbt kept riding up, i had to pull it down constantly -____- plus sloth-ishness lead me to standing around & doing long passes while my teammies are all running up & down & up & down 0.0 it’s been awhile since i last laughed so hard til my tummy hurts from laughing more than the running. (altho’ i din run thaaat much)

& i sriously feel myself coming down w flu/fever/someth of that sort. & i’m sure my bangs are due for a trim or a awkward period of clipping them up til they’re long enough to be tucked behind my ears. my eyes hurt, has my degree gone up ? ): ): oh no.

alright, time to get started on my studying. i’ll prolly sleep early to ensure i can wake up for church tmr. last week i woke up at 12.15pm -_____- jst cos my parents woke me up. & i was still 5 mins late for work even with all the mad rush. D:

i thank God for friends. true true friends.

#46 how now brown cow

today i stayed home to do up my timetable when suddenly the cors system crashed, i couldn’t plan my timetable ! D: was hyperventilating cos i need to submit my schedule for work by tmr !!!! ): i missed 1723 cos of that ): ): supremely sadded. plus, i’m still supremely undecided between finance & crypto, i hate this. i hate how the economy is down now too. i hate the fact that crypto has almost no future. & i hate that i have to compete with the masses. i don’t know what i’m going to do with my future. somehow i wished i died like now so i don’t have to tackle an empty slate. (still someth good came out of today which made me smile (: )

so i went out in the end, went shopping for en & eds’ presents, & i got them ! (i love it, i hope they do too :x)

i just reached home at about 1am ? & turned on my comp & hallelujah ! the cors system is up ! (uhhuh, just like 赛翁失马, it’s not thaaat good a thing) ): i couldn’t plan my timetable & my work schedule to meet. ): i have to work minimum 3 days a week, & saturday’s out alr cos i have 1723. so i have to squeeze 2 weekdays out for work & you just don’t know how hard it is for a science major to do that. was feeling super desperate cos i don’t know what modules i can take cos 1) EXAMS CLASH (i reject same day papers too) 2) LECTURE TIMINGS CLASH ): uber sad.

i think i managed to squeeze out mon & weds for work, BUDDEN, i’d be taking modules alone again ): i resent that but i have no choice right ? feeling super sian again ): suddenly this very very vague & familiar tune popped into my head when i rmbed i haven’t done QT yet. & peace flooded my heart once again. GOD WILL MAKE A WAY, WHEN THERE SEEMS TO BE NO WAY.

again & again, i feel amazed. i was stumbling as i was reading change of heart & all that talk about gnostic gospels & all. but i have stronger faith than that. i believe God exists, He loves me, i love Him, i know He’ll be there for me forever. that’s all that matters. (: (:

#42 No Matter How They Toss The Dice

firstly, i MUST say this :

MY EXAMS ARE OVERRRR !!!!!! :D

okay, now moving on, ytd was a super duper eventful day for me, both in a good way & in a bad way.

firstly, AYE JAM ON MY WAY TO SCHOOL ! omg, i seriously almost hyperventilated & died on the bus. was praying like mad that i’d reach in time (plus i reaaaaaally needed to pee). wah, i reached my busstop at 12.50, my exam was at 1 (!!!). i met munjuinn on the bus & we CHEONGED to school. i had to cross one overhead bridge, pass the track & bball+nball courts & go into the MPSH (pee first) & up the stairs. can you imagine how out of breath i was ?! grabbed pencil box, wallet, helpsheet, calculator(x2), jacket & waterbottle, THREW (literally) my bag down & rushed to the empty seat. started arranging my stuffs, taking out my pens, matric card etc etc. the moment i finished arranging, LST went “okay, you can start writing now”. OMG HOW HENG IS THAT ?!?!?! & while i was busy arranging myself, the guy seated to my right kept making this weird hand gestures, but i was close to hyperventilation i didn’t really take note. in the end, it was mingfatt waving to me -____- hahahahas ! wah, i swear i was panting for like 15 minutes into the paper okay, was woozy throughout qns 1 & 2 (luckily they were basic qns). phew, PRAISE THE LORD !!!!

next up ! went gohhui’s house for mahjong ! :D WE PLAYED 3 & 3/4 POKS ! :D could have been 4 poks, but i was that my mom would wake up & ground me for not being home yet :x first pok, i lost 9 bucks (dam sian). 2nd pok. I WON 27 !!!! excuse me, but i was v v v happy ! this is the first time i’ve won over 20 bucks okay !!!! :D:D:D:D 3rd pok, i won 2 & last pok, i won 3 ! :D:D hahas, but had to cover sam’s losses, so in the end i won FIVE ! :D yay, i was the ONLY winner ! :D:D:D super duper rare. we played taboo & planned for christmas alr ! :D:D i reached home at 4.30am :x & i woke up at 9.30 today -___-, & i still don’t feel tired at all. :D

so anw, i was trying to decide which movie to watch first, decided on “Amazing Grace” since i had no idea what it was. OMG, i cried & was super duper touched by it. I STRONGLY SUGGEST IT. William Wilberforce is my hero, it took 17 years & he almost gave up (if not for his wife, he would have) for him to finally abolish the slave trade in America. i can’t imagine living in a world with slaves ! we’re all created by God as equals, so who are we to decide who gets to be higher ranking than another ? so hats off to William Wilberforce (Ioan Gruffudd), Barbara Spooner (Romola Garai), William Pitt (Benedict Cumberbatch), John Newton (Albert Finney), Lord Charles Fox (Michael Gambon), Thomas Clarkson (Rufus Sewell), Olaudah Equiano (Youssou N’Dour).

Okay, moving on to a more light hearted movie otherwise i’ll cry my eyes out alr…..